It's Fistmas time, everybody! Maybe you've never heard of this wonderful holiday, so I'll tell you the story of how fisting turned the winter into its snowy, poopy playground.
A long time ago, there was a man who had never fisted his poopy hole. It's okay, we were all virgins at one time. He was a nice guy, ran a school full of orphans who'd lost limbs in a war. Many of these little boys and girls didn't even have a hand to make a fist with- it brings some tears to my eyes just thinking about such a fate befalling an innocent child.
The man (whose name has been lost to the ages) took up a collection all over town, trying to raise money to buy the little kiddies toys for some other winter holiday that people used to celebrate. Nowadays it's turned into nothing but a chance for retailers to laugh while fat parents torture employees who need to work long days just to eat. Yeah, I used to work retail- how'd you know?
Anyway, the man could only get together enough money to buy some coal- at least they'd be warm during the nights. But one night, an angel appeared to him- a beautiful brown angel who told him to reach deep into his poopy hole, and extract the bounty that could only be given from on high. So the man did as he was told, fisting his shit hole until his arm almost dislocated from being all the way in there.
When he pulled out his hand, he had a glorious handful of delicious, corn laden poopies! Again and again he reached up there, and kept on pulling poopies out of there until there were plenty for all the little children to enjoy. I'm sorry if I don't write right now, I'm crying a little bit. That story is just so beautiful. It's my quest to make Fistmas the most popular and celebrated holiday of this season.
Avoid the Black Friday Rush! Do your Fistmas shopping here!