Sunday, January 15, 2012

Happy Religious Freedom Day!

Today is Religious Freedom Day! I am going to try to see the point of view of Christians today. I'm at home sick from work. Not fake sick, but really really sick. My nose is dripping shit, my stomach feels like its being ripped out and I'm coughing like a retarded dog. Don't worry about me, I'll live.

But, in the spirit of the holiday, because I will be celebrating all of the damn holidays this year, I've been reading my Bible. Then, I found something interesting. Christians aren't all bad. God does codone eating pooop. He dosen't only codone it, he encourages it!

"And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. And the LORD said, Even thus shall the children of Israel eat their defiled bread among the Gentiles, whither I will drive them." (Ezekiel 4:12-13)

He ordered eating shit cakes! I love shit cakes! This is out of the Christian Bible. Not the Great Almighty Poo Bible, although they are similar on those points. The Great Almighty Poo Bible actually includes a recipe to follow. Pro Tip: The shit cakes do taste really good with honey.

"But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?" (II Kings 18:27)

I'm just picturing it. Its like construction workers of old. They sit on that wall, open up their Disney Princess lunch box and pull out their poopie sandwich and down pee soda.

"If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart. Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it." (Malachi 2:2-3)

God loves POOPIES! He will spread poopies among your feasts and on your faces. Yup, I'm going to heaven according to the Christian God! So, it celebrate this holiday, just read into the religious text of any religion you don't agree with. You might have a common ground. Like POOPIES. Also, bake a shit cake. Your lord has commanded it.

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