Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Intestinal Blockage

Hi, poopie freaks! I'm back from the hospital. This has not been a good month for the Popanator. I had intestinal blockage. Yes, my poopie hole well, was unfistable. I literally went 12 days without taking a shit. Yes, it is possible to go 12 days without shitting. It is very uncomfortable.

I tried everything, from laxatives to enemas. The nurses in the psych ward I was spending some time in was giving me some Milk of Magnesia. That shit does not work. It tastes like day old sperm and does nothing. I bloated more and more. I looked 9 months pregnant.

Well, I finally was able to shit some unedible golf ball sized poopies. I couldn't eat that shit or smear it. I tried throwing them at the wall. Still no go. The idiot nurse said, "See, your bowels are starting to move!" I really can't blame them, they are psych ward nurses.

I finally got to talk to a Dr about my ever growing gut and painful shits. I got prescribed more heavy duty laxatives. A day later they still did not work. I took some more the next day and tried to push. I push and pushed on that shitter. I was screaming agonizing screams of pain. I was on the toilet trying to give birth for 30 min. Finally a small brick came out. I thought, FINALLY, this shit is over. WRONG!

I had another urge to push. I did. Nothing could come out. My poopie hole was in severe pain! I can shove a whole fist up there but this shit was the size of a brick. I felt down there and it was wide. It went from my vagina all the way to my tailbone. In desperation I limped back to my room with part of this monster shit hanging from my poopie hole and looked for something to break it up with. I couldn't find anything! Shit, I remembered I was in a psych ward. I found a pen. I jamed the pen in the shit brick to break it up. It didn't do any good. The pen got stuck in the middle of the brick jammed up my poopie hole.

Now, in the point of desperation I limped to the nurses with the pen still hanging out of my poopie hole crying. I was given more laxatives. Shit! Laxatives don't work. Thankfully, I was going to be discharged the next day. I threw a fit that morning until they finally discharged me. They were taking their sweet ass time about it.

My daddie was so sweet to pick me up. I knew what I had to do being the expert on shit. Hours and hours of research I knew how to solve this problem and save my life. I bought 2 bottles of enemas and 1 bottle of that disgusting laxative drink. My daddie knew what to do. I got on all fours and he shoved the first enema up my poopie hole. Finally, it broke up the brick a little bit and it was soft enough for me to shove my hand up my poopie hole and break it out brick by brick. That was brick 1 I found out.

Now, at this point I only looked 6 months pregnant. I rested for a day because that was all my asshole could tolerate. That was Monday. On Tuesday, while walking around Wal-Mart looking for my Halloween costume I felt another urge to push. Shit! I waddled to the bathroom because some pooey wet juice leeked down my leg. It was ANOTHER BRICK! Shit! I jammed my hand up my shit hole breaking it up brick by brick, trying not scream, finally sweet relief. However, at this point my ass was bleeding and now leeking pooey wet juice.Oh, well, finally it wasn't as bad. After resting and cleaning up the blood. I went shopping.

I bought my Halloween bullshit and the next thing I knew at the check-out counter was I SHIT MY PANTS! Now, I'm getting resonable sized shits, but I don't know what curse was put upon me! I did save the bricks for the trick or treaters tonight as some delicious corney taffy. Yum!

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