Monday, August 8, 2011

Willie Discovers Spiders!


Hey guys, it's Willie again. I guess Poppy told you guys that I got promoted, and that's cool. I like being able to do something for money that doesn't involve selling a piece of my ass or collecting rents from anybody. Collecting of any kind is not that much fun, 'cause I'm heterosexual by nature. Of course, there are times when I enjoy a little ass action, maybe asstion or something? I don't know. I don't get that deep into it all, but I do know I did something kinda funny with my ass the other day.

I guess Poppy goes on and on to you guys about how she's always fisting shit holes, whether it's her own or anybody else's who gets in her path. If she can fist a shit hole, she pretty much does. It's damn annoying living and working with somebody who's always trying to fist everybody. I'm glad I'm not her boss, or I would've had to put a stop to that all the time. But whatever- back to what I did with my ass. Don't worry, everybody, it doesn't involve any fisting. My ass is exit only unless it's a desperate financial situation.

See, I was wipin' the other day, as I typically do after taking a shit, and I saw this spider on the wall. It was a tiny little thing and I hate spiders, so I took the tp and just squashed it. Now, I'm not one for wasting things, so I went ahead and wiped my ass with the spider paper. And that gave me an idea...

I went on down to the pet shop and bought one of those spiders that's the size of a dinner plate, all nice and hairy. They call it a goliath tarantula, but I didn't plan to hit it with stones. I took that boy home and started wipin' my ass with him like he was half a roll of tp. You should've seen that thing scurry around, all shitty and spidery. It's nice to hold some dominion over an animal sometimes.

Thing about the spider is, I liked how his little tiny hairs really scraped lots of shit out of my crack. His thorax was the perfect shape to just slip right through there, and I think what they say about spiders releasing a chemical irritant is overstated, because it felt kinda nice. It even gave me a nice scratch across my taint, so ooh baby. Best $20 I've spent in years. Of course, it's a good thing I got a raise with my promotion.

Maybe next I'll duct tape him to a frisbee.

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