Happy Religious Freedom Day!

Today is Religious Freedom Day! I am going to try to see the point of view of Christians today. I'm at home sick from work. Not fake sick, but really really sick. My nose is dripping shit, my stomach feels like its being ripped out and I'm coughing like a retarded dog. Don't worry about me, I'll live.

But, in the spirit of the holiday, because I will be celebrating all of the damn holidays this year, I've been reading my Bible. Then, I found something interesting. Christians aren't all bad. God does codone eating pooop. He dosen't only codone it, he encourages it!

"And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. And the LORD said, Even thus shall the children of Israel eat their defiled bread among the Gentiles, whither I will drive them." (Ezekiel 4:12-13)

He ordered eating shit cakes! I love shit cakes! This is out of the Christian Bible. Not the Great Almighty Poo Bible, although they are similar on those points. The Great Almighty Poo Bible actually includes a recipe to follow. Pro Tip: The shit cakes do taste really good with honey.

"But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?" (II Kings 18:27)

I'm just picturing it. Its like construction workers of old. They sit on that wall, open up their Disney Princess lunch box and pull out their poopie sandwich and down pee soda.

"If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart. Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it." (Malachi 2:2-3)

God loves POOPIES! He will spread poopies among your feasts and on your faces. Yup, I'm going to heaven according to the Christian God! So, it celebrate this holiday, just read into the religious text of any religion you don't agree with. You might have a common ground. Like POOPIES. Also, bake a shit cake. Your lord has commanded it.

Upper Decker

My toilet was getting fucking awesome. I haven't cleaned it in over a month, because I was using it to make jenkem. For those who don't know, jenkem is fermenting delicious corn laden poo for days and days to sniff it to get high. It really works. Unfortunately, my ass ended up, yet again and rehab last week. I was in the psych ward for, fuck I don't remember how many days. I was chained to my bed and twitching. I had to be accompanied going poopie to make sure I don't sniff it. I felt like I was going to starve. My main food source was gone.

I admit, I've been using jenkem as a crutch. I would sniff that shit and get high. I would see things like the Great Almighty Poo. He would talk to me and give me visions of the future. A future filled with corn. Even my poopies talked to me before I ate them. I was a jenkem junkie not doing anything but sniffing the toilet bowl. My toilet was caked in an inch of fudge. Smelling mother fucking delicious!

I was finally let out of the hospital. I was still shaking and very very hungry. They would not let me eat my poopies. I had to flush them. I didn't even get to say goodbye. It broke my heart to just waste something so wonderful. I went back to my tiny bathroom at my daddies house. My daddie cleaned the toilet. Something he would never do. A white porceline toilet. The bathroom was spotless!

I can't live like this! I mean, I did learn in rehab not to ferment poopies and sniff them just for the high. However, I can't be poopie free. Its like wine is just fermented grapes, right? If you are an alcoholic you can still have grapes.

I came up with a solution to get my toilet poopie in a jiffy. I just sat on the tank and went poopie. Then I flushed it and toilet water was the beautiful brown! I do understand poopies are food, not drugs. But, nothing is more beautiful than brown water!

Stay sober and remember poopies are just for food. However, I do miss my talks with the Great Almighty Poo. I wonder if I will ever see him for real.

Popanator off to church!

I went to church the other day. You know, Sunday is supposed to be holy or something. I don't know if they shortened that from “poopy holey,” because I think it's pretty catchy. But I walked in there for shits and giggles, which is kind of my whole life. I went in there thinking maybe it'd be neat to be all religious and shit, because people seem to be happy when they're in church. But then I realized how boring the whole thing was. I walked in and sat down, and it got really quiet like it does before golf or something.


Then people started chanting and singing and stuff, which was annoying. They were kind of quiet but they were still really boring sounding. They must've sang like four songs. Then the guy in the fancy robes started talking about this and that, and try as I might I couldn't change the channel. I just thought he was like one of those boring lecture guys you hear on the radio, but then he got into passing out these weird chamber pots. Finally! Something I understood. So when the pot came to me, I squatted down and took a nice big poo right into it. Naturally, this got me everyone's attention, because we all know the Popanator is the queen of poo.

The funny part was, despite my super-impressive turd, I guess it wasn't enough for their tastes. They all started yelling at me and told me to leave. It kinda hurt, and I felt all vulnerable because my shit wasn't good enough for them. I cried all the way home and I felt worthless, like the cream of my colon just wasn't right. So I tell you guys what. I'm going to start my own church, the Church of Poopy. The Great Almighty Poo, by all his names, will welcome ALL the shit-worshippers of the world. Black, brown, green, even those funky exotic shades of poo will be welcome without prejudice. We are all equal in poopies!

c